Oh wow!
A thankful post right before Thanksgiving! Who saw that one coming!? Well, here it is cliches and all….
To be honest, I’ve kind of always hated that going around the table and saying what we are thankful for thing. A seat always felt empty since my father had passed away, and I just wanted to eat, drink, not discuss politics, and put on my PJs to eat again after everyone was gone or we had returned home. If you had asked me what I was thankful for this time last year, my list would have had several similarities to now but many, many differences. It would assuredly not have carried the same weight. I knew I was lucky to have my family, my health, a beautiful daughter and amazing friends. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good list. I was very lucky.
Since that time a few things have shifted. Friends of Thanksgiving’s past have faded to the background, while new ones have emerged in full force. Lifelong bonds have grown even stronger. The weight of the term “thankful for my health” carries more weight and true understanding. I’ve really come to know the innate kindness that loved ones, strangers, and acquaintances are capable of. And just how much my family means to me: their hugs, their empathy, and their love. My husband took on so much. Along with a high pressure job, he was caring for all of us, rushing to work with our daughter in tow and rushing home to help, make lunch and clean….and though he cracked at times(who wouldn’t?) and I needed a lot as did my daughter, he made it. WE made it. THANKFUL.
(Family Photos by the incomparable Julia Xanthos Liddy at YoungLoveNYC.)
On April 20th, 2018, when I found out my BRCA2 status, I had no idea what was coming, what any of this would bring. I was terrified. But here I am now with my new non toxic/non killer boobies, or foobies, Dolly and Daisy (I’ll introduce them in a bit) and I can’t even put into words the generosity I have experienced. Sure, not everything has been rosy and not everyone can be there in a way that comes naturally to so many others, but what I’ve been given since September 19th, 2108, the date of my first surgery, is nothing short of astounding. I would list everything but I worry I would forget something. I’m grateful for facebook support groups where I’m one of thousands on a journey like this. I even made a wonderful new friend – a mama herself who lives not too far and had her surgery the day after mine! Pretty awesome when you can text about drains, incisions, and foobs, amongst other things! You start with two unspoken bonds: motherhood and mutanthood. I’m also grateful for doctors(especially mine!)…but we knew that. I’m SO incredibly thankful for generous donations on my supportful.com page, meals brought and sent over, cheesecakes, wine, care packages, gift cards, visitors, theater tickets, shoes (yes, shoes!), the list goes on, and last but not least, a new sense of self.
I’ve learned so much over these past few months about myself, about others, about life and choices and what matters to me. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for those of you in my life who have helped me discover what the meaning of kindness is, for, as a dear friend would say, feeding my soul(and my belly!). And for those who have accepted me for who I am.
So who am I anyway? Well let’s start with the outside first and go back to November 7, 2018……
This was when I got rid of those ridiculously heavy tissue expanders and swapped them for some Natrelle High Profile Silicone Gel Round Implants, Style 20. Check it out – I have a Boob Card!
See, I’m legit now. Well my FOOBS are!
The surgery went pretty well (though we started about two hours late – apparently there was a delay on the surgery before mine). My pulse was also running high, not a concern of the doctors but one of the pre-op nurses…. of course it’s high, I’m waiting for surgery and my clonazapam is wearing off, people!
But here I am, ready to go –
This surgery was scary for me in a much different way, I wasn’t scared of the knives, or the OR, or waking up during surgery, or not waking up, but this was the final result(we hoped). My doctor says he “aims for a home run” the first time. I was unsure what size I would come out, if I would feel like myself again, and cosmetically how it would all look. Speaking of size, I’ve never watched the show “Botched,” but people who have know this: While you are asleep they sit you up and try on different sizes. They move your arms around! My surgeon had about 20 boxes when I walked in full of implants and sizers, and I really did trust him. Well, I’m happy to say I’m quite pleased. Dolly and Daisy are their names, and while Daisy may need a small fat graft eventually, due to the thinning of the skin during the mastectomy, they are doing juuuuuust fine. Here they are/we are/I am after!
Ah dilauded, I still love you. It was an outpatient surgery so the new twins and I were back in my pillow fortress by 6pm. AND NO DRAINS!!!
Peace Out, NYP Weill Cornell, we HAVE to stop meeting like this…at least for a little while.
So far, since I’ve been home, I haven’t had any complications, though I’ve called the doctor more times with these twins, than I did after I brought my newborn daughter home.
But, we were fine alright. More than fine. We were fine enough for me to have ordered a zillion backless dresses, new bras (not that I need them anymore – seriously, look ma! no bra!), and to have tried on my bikini and some designer digs – and feel pretty awesome. I was really worried about fitting into my clothes again. Vain, I know, but true. I mean Halston, Monique Lhuillier, Alice and Olivia….
Yes, this will do. They are still a little swollen…day 2 post surgery…not too shabby.
That’s Daisy to your left facing the photo and Dolly to your right
And See? Halston:
And this LBD and shoes by the fabulous OGO NEW YORK.
So yes, I 100000000 times cared about reducing my risk from 80 god damned percent to 1-3(I would never have chosen this otherwise), but I would be lying if I also didn’t care how I looked. I had to be able look down and see me, feel like me, be in MY clothes.
Recovery-wise, it was much easier this time around, the lifting restrictions of nothing over five pounds remain hard to follow because this time I actually CAN lift that much! I didn’t need pain meds for more than a day or two. I still feel tired, but each day, I feel more and more like me, the new me. I even made a pie today! Boo-ya! Or rather, Boob-ya!
But no, this wasn’t a boob job, it’s 100% different and so am I. I am different on the inside and different on the outside. But that’s okay. I am still on this journey: we have other parts to tackle, monitor and remove, follow up visits to attend, Scarguard to apply…but I’ve made it this far. I could not have made it this far without the help of some incredible humans. I also don’t think I could have gotten here without some specific negativity I’ve experienced. I know that sounds odd, but it’s shaped me. The new me. This time has changed me and my life so incredibly profoundly, into a stronger person, into a healthier person, into a more determined person, into a person who can say IDGAF more easily. A person with high expectations and no desire to change who I am or pretend to be something I’m not. A person who can’t wait to give back to those who have helped her, when she needed them the most.
It’s a bit ridiculous it took a double mastectomy for me to realize that being who I am is okay. That people who get it and get you will be there. That you will be at the top of their list to see or to invite somewhere. And on the flip side, that some people just won’t get it and won’t know how to be there, or perhaps won’t want to be, or be able to find the time to be. But it’s ok. It’s life. This is life. I’m alive and I could not be happier with my decision to make sure I stay this way. And now I can truly be my best self, foobs and all.
And so…. I am grateful for ALL of this. Thank you to everyone. And you, who is reading this now, thank you to YOU.
